Shmumps

I should be going to bed, snuggling in safe and sound with She Ra in my Toronto apartment.

I am not doing this. I am sitting on my couch in Calgary, looking like the transformative character in an Eddie Murphy movie. I, somehow, have acquired mumps. Who gets the mumps? It's like getting polio! I was even vaccinated against the mumps, but apparently failed to get my booster. So I spent 5 hours in urgent care, after having my face/neck swell to twice its normal size over night. I walked out with no answers except elevated white blood cells; this would indicate either an infection, for which there was no clear physical manifestation, or lymphoma, which the additional blood work didn't really indicate. So a phantom infection or cancer. I was given some let's-hope-for-the-best antibiotics and told to go to a hospital if it got worse.

Well it got worse.

It's funny, you assume your skin can only stretch so much. The skin on my neck got so swollen, it started encompassing my ears. It was a straight shot from the outside of my earlobe down to my shoulders. When the area started turning rock hard, it was time to get to the hospital. It's half comforting and half alarming when you realize you're getting high priority treatment in the emergency room. In my case, it meant a couple hours wait until I had IV fluids and morphine, and another hour until I got in for a CT scan. My allergy to anti-inflammatories put me at a serious disadvantage - they could treat the pain with morphine, but every time it wore off the swelling had increased, and the pain along with it. Finally they settled on the diagnosis: a very serious manifestation of mumps.

Which means now I'm at home, taking tylenol (I'm discovering I'm allergic to percocet, unfortunately), on self-quarantine for a week. Which means I'm not allowed to fly. Grounded, if you would. And missing the first week of class in favour of sitting on my couch, not eating, not seeing my much missed friends. Oh yeah, And I look like I'm massively overweight. What a treat.

Get your booster shots, kiddos.